I know Papa, but when?

I have found that being a Christ Follower is rather like being a drug addict at times. So long as I am reading my Bible, journaling, listening to edifying music, and praying regularly life is good. I am content even when everything around me seems to be chaos. I worship Him when things go right and ask guidance when they go wrong. In all things I am at peace, I have joy, and everything is right with the world. I do not falter, I keep my eyes on Him and my feet stay on the path.

Then something happens, I see how good everything is and I suddenly take my eyes off of Him. Like a psych patient on medication, I see how much I have improved and how well things are going. I take myself off the drug, after all things are going so well. I forget that it is the drug or God that is making everything right. When I take my eyes off of Him and try to do things on my own, try to control my own life, then I see the chaos around me. I panic and try to gain control, a futile act that is so common to humans. We want to feel in control of our lives, we want to be independent. It just does not work like that. We need Him, we were created by Him for Him. We are His children and he wants to take care of us. He has complete control and knows how and where to guide us. He knows us better than we know ourselves and loves us more than we could ever imagine.

Every now and again I I wonder if my life will be everything I see. I know that I often have a grand imagination and that some of what I see could be beyond what He truly has planned. I feel selfish sometimes thinking of all of the things I see for us and wonder "will it really be like this?" Will we ever get to that point? How real are the stories that I write? I know that God is a big God and that with Him anything is possible. I am always told that whatever we dream, if we trust in Him, He will give us our dreams and more. I was always told to dream big dreams. Impressionable child or no, I take these things very seriously and some days it is not hard for me to believe that He will bring such things about in my life.

I get angry with young parents and the people who don't seem to appreciate their children or situation in life. The people that take what they have for granted or think that they deserve everything they get. The people who seem to be given everything without having to work for it. Teenage parents and young unwed mothers really drive me nuts. I feel punished for doing things the right way. I am married and we are working to give our children the best life possible. Seven years we have labored to build a solid marriage and home. Seven years we have sought to become a man and woman of good character, and learn Gods way in all things. I know that we are making progress as individuals and as a couple, but sometimes it feels like we fight in vein.

I know how far we have come, but how much further is there to go? Will it be worth it? Will we have great children? Are we going to be the parents we want to be? Are we going to be able to give them the life we want to give them? Do we have our priorities straight in that venue? Will we be able to teach our children Godly character? How selfish are my dreams?

I want to be the model family, the model marriage, the model parents. I understand that children are not always the ideal we want them to be, but I want to be the parent that builds their character and teaches them in the way of Godliness. I want others to look at us and say, "how do they do it all?" I always want to be totally and completely in love with God and my husband. I want my marriage to come before my children, and to respect my children first as people, then to love them as my children.

I made a promise...

It ain't always been like this and it will not stay like this forever.

Our lives come in seasons, chapters if you will. Some chapters are very similar to others and other times they are vastly different. When I look back on my life, mostly since adult hood, but in some cases before then, I can see distinct changes in where I am as a person. Some parts of me have changed drastically over my life, but I am still the same fundamentally. I am still a strong willed, chatty, loyal sort who stands for what is right. I have always been one to follow where ever God leads, no matter if I like the situation or not.

I struggle with being patient and comparing myself to others my own age or younger. I look at the accomplishments of others and see how much I fall short of the worlds expectations. I often have to be reminded that It is not our accomplishments that matter but our character. One with fame, fortune, and anything else I or the world may seek may fall short in the areas that really matter. I daily battle with my desire for children, but I know that if I am going to give our children the life that I was denied, I must wait, patiently.

I have a promise, from God, the "not yet" promise that He gave me some years ago. I consciously steer clear of other peoples children because of my desire for my own. During Mitch and my first year of marriage I almost broke us with depression of not having children. I continue this fight, but I more frequently win now that I am stronger in Christ. In my book/blog about the MacGregor family, I tell of my husband and I with our children, both adoptive and biological. I know that God has a great life for us, but sometimes I lose sight of wehat I have. I forget how great my relationship with my husband is now. We are solid. I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and he does his best to be a Godly spiritual leader for our home.

My question has ever been "when?" When will all of the pieces fall together so we can have children? Will I be the woman I want to be? Will I be the mother that I write about in my stories? Am I the wife, will I ever get there? I see myself pick up bad habbits from those around me, it's so easy to use curse words, to gossip, and be negative. I have so few Godly influinces in my life. I do have a friend who encourages me toward being the mother that I want to be. I know that I will never be perfect, and that there are those who are worse off than myself, but how do I over come all of the nay-sayers?

I made a peomise a very long time ago, that I would do anything and go anywere God would have me to. I stand on that promise. So long as it's God, I know that everything will be well. That being said, knowing what Gods will is does not remove all fear at all times, there is still a great amount of trust involved. While I don't always understand, and often times things can really suck, I know that He has my best intrest at heart, like any parent.