I made a promise...

It ain't always been like this and it will not stay like this forever.

Our lives come in seasons, chapters if you will. Some chapters are very similar to others and other times they are vastly different. When I look back on my life, mostly since adult hood, but in some cases before then, I can see distinct changes in where I am as a person. Some parts of me have changed drastically over my life, but I am still the same fundamentally. I am still a strong willed, chatty, loyal sort who stands for what is right. I have always been one to follow where ever God leads, no matter if I like the situation or not.

I struggle with being patient and comparing myself to others my own age or younger. I look at the accomplishments of others and see how much I fall short of the worlds expectations. I often have to be reminded that It is not our accomplishments that matter but our character. One with fame, fortune, and anything else I or the world may seek may fall short in the areas that really matter. I daily battle with my desire for children, but I know that if I am going to give our children the life that I was denied, I must wait, patiently.

I have a promise, from God, the "not yet" promise that He gave me some years ago. I consciously steer clear of other peoples children because of my desire for my own. During Mitch and my first year of marriage I almost broke us with depression of not having children. I continue this fight, but I more frequently win now that I am stronger in Christ. In my book/blog about the MacGregor family, I tell of my husband and I with our children, both adoptive and biological. I know that God has a great life for us, but sometimes I lose sight of wehat I have. I forget how great my relationship with my husband is now. We are solid. I strive to be a Proverbs 31 woman, and he does his best to be a Godly spiritual leader for our home.

My question has ever been "when?" When will all of the pieces fall together so we can have children? Will I be the woman I want to be? Will I be the mother that I write about in my stories? Am I the wife, will I ever get there? I see myself pick up bad habbits from those around me, it's so easy to use curse words, to gossip, and be negative. I have so few Godly influinces in my life. I do have a friend who encourages me toward being the mother that I want to be. I know that I will never be perfect, and that there are those who are worse off than myself, but how do I over come all of the nay-sayers?

I made a peomise a very long time ago, that I would do anything and go anywere God would have me to. I stand on that promise. So long as it's God, I know that everything will be well. That being said, knowing what Gods will is does not remove all fear at all times, there is still a great amount of trust involved. While I don't always understand, and often times things can really suck, I know that He has my best intrest at heart, like any parent.